I love my iPad for many reasons—its capacity for creative writing is not one of them.  

That all changed the second I fired up this $0.99 pearl. Of course, writing is much more pleasant on my laptop, however, iA Writer at least makes it so I can write on my iPad in a way that doesn't make me want to throw it across the room every five seconds.

Its Focus Mode and Dropbox Sync features (more on these later) alone are worth the tiny price tag. However, what really sells it is the top row on the keyboard.

Attn. Apple: did you not see this at prettyfuckingobvious.com when you were designing the iPad? Take note.

Nothing derails my iWriting experience worse than having to stop, hold my finger down, scroll over to the iNevitable typos and fix them. Now I can just click the arrow keys and move the cursor—like we have been since the advent of the word processor. You can also scroll by word (which makes a cool sound). The Obvious Bar™ also includes a hyphen button, a semicolon button, a quote button, an apostrophe button, and a brilliant "smart parentheses" button.

And we're all looking forward to the Em Dash button in the next version (hint-hint).

It should have taken you about a minute to read this far. How do I know this? Well, screw page numbers—in the digital realm it's all about time—and the creators of iA Writer apparently got the memo, thus incorporating the ever-handy (we're at 1:14 now) Reading Time feature in addition to Word Count (255).

 

I could go on about Focus Mode, which turns off auto-correct and highlights just the last three lines typed. Or the beautifully designed monospaced typeface (suck it, Courier). Or the fact that it syncs right up with Dropbox—and therefore every other device I own. But I promised myself I wouldn't make this more than 1:43 long so you can hear all about it here.

(344 words up.)

 

Today my friend told me that when he used an em dash (—) in a text message on his iPhone, the message wouldn't go through—at all—on his friend's Android phone. This isn't surprising as the search giant still employs double-hyphens on its own interior pages. Then I noted that we were probably the only people on earth texting with em dashes.

Even so, there are those times when I really want to text someone something to the exact effect of:

I'm only available Tues–Thurs. I've already blocked myself out in iCal™

Note that I'm using an en dash to indicate "through" here and the ever handy trademark symbol. Two things that aren't available on my iPhone or iPad.

Or are they?

I came upon this little treasure called Glyphboard:
(note: the link only works with iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch.)

Now I can be punctually annoying from anywhere.

And other people can put hearts on everything and be just plain annoying.

So there you have it. Just think twice before you drop a skull-and-crossbones symbol to one of your Android buddies, lest their phone explode.

When I was nineteen, I inherited a pet peeve. I was at a party and we were on the subject of peeves that were pets and a guy said, "I hate it when people say anyways." I hadn't given it any thought before, but I then realized the stupidity of this non-word. And it has peeved me—and my pets—ever since. So, it gets the number one slot.

1. "Anyways."

I've already gone off about dashes, so I'll be brief.

2. Spaces surrounding em dashes.

When did it become okay to put spaces before and after dashes? I can't figure it out.

Read Great Expectations or Catcher in the Rye or the New Yorker—hell, read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White or the fucking Chicago Manual of Style.

3. Courier.

(The typeface, not people who deliver stuff.)

In a failed attempt to imitate the typewritten screenplays from days of yore, we somehow ended up donning this piece of shit font the industry standard for screenplays. As made apparent above, I have deep-rooted childhood dash issues. And guess what a hyphen looks like in Courier? This: "-"; an en dash? This: "-"; an em dash? This: "-". 

Don't even get me started on Courier New.

4. "I could care less."

Well, I couldn't.

5. "Awe, cute."

It's probable that one could be in awe of cuteness. However, it's about 10,763 times more likely that what you meant to write was "Awwww... cute!" (The number of "w"s is subjective.) It's an onomatopoeia (a Scrabble player's wet dream that means "written interpretation of a sound"). Yes, I know that your spell-checker automatically changed it, but if I just went with everything my iPhone's spell-checker suggested, I'd have alienated most of my address book by now.

And, last:

6. "I'm nauseous."

I'll say.

Admittedly this is straight outta The Elements of Style and, equally admittedly, I've misused this word many times myself. However, after I learned the error of my ways and what it really means—it's worth repeating.

What you meant to say is "I'm nauseated." This indicates that you are sick to your stomach. To be "nauseous" is to cause others to be nauseated. Just like to be contagious causes others to be contagiated.

. . .

I could probably go on and on about you're/your, it's/its, there/their/they're and other things that are like a flea driving me up a chalkboard. But I have a feeling we've both got better things to do.

I've written different variations of this article at least four times over the last ten years. (With luck, I won't lose this one, too.) For those who may be confused, I offer a quick note on dashes.

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There are two basic dashes—the em dash and the en dash:

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em dash (—) its name derived from its length being equivalent to a lowercase "m"

The em dash is used as a hard pause or break in thought, or for parenthetic emphasis.

Examples: “When I was eight years of age, I saw Star Wars eight times within a one month period—mom wasn't thrilled.” “There are many people who don't care about—or even know about—what's going on with your latest novel. ”

It is often thought of as the Replacement Punctuation Mark Of Choice for the semicolon—though, in some instances, they may be used in tandem when multiple pauses are needed, but aren't parenthetic.

Example: “It was hard to imagine feeling so alone in a city of millions—so alone that each heartbeat seemed to echo through the streets; beating her name in Morse Code.”

Note: The Chicago Manual of Style does not employ spaces around dashes, which I prefer, it feels more "typeset" to me. Others like to leave a space on either side — like so. Either way is acceptable. Shorctuts: Mac: option-shift-hyphen PC: alt-0151 HTML: — iPhone: hold down the hyphen and it will pop up

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en dash (–) its name derived from its length being equivalent to a lowercase "n" Application of the en dash is simple—it means "through."

Examples: “2009–2010” “Mon–Thurs” “pp. 58–69”

Mac: option-hyphen PC: alt-0150 HTML: – iPhone: unavailable (unless you turn the Japanese Keyboard enabled)

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After reading this, one should never have to employ two hyphens as a dash ever again. (Or, worse—a single one.) Nothing drains the professionalism from your writing faster than bad punctuation and grammar.