the official unauthorized blog for oneword.com

Texts, Lies and the De-Evolution of Language

14 Feb 2011
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English adding and extra letter to the end of words anti-stupid grammar language pro-smart sexting social commentary texting txting writing

Jane: yo wz up
Ted: nt mch wut up witchu?
Jane: kickn it gettn it poppin whtchu kno boutt thttt ?!
Ted: roflmao

Let's stop here. Not for the obvious—but for logistics. How is it that one might roll on the floor and laugh their ass off while simultaneously typing “ROFLMAO”? Second, how ass-less can one be? It stands to reason that there would at least need to be a buffer between asses being laughed off to allow for a new one to flourish.

Ted: cme ovr
Jane: yeaaaaahhhhh babyy

In addition to liquidating the English language to a series of sputters and blips, it now appears to be somewhat cool and hip-hop-y to add an extra letter or three onto the end of words. This screams, “I'll follow a trend no matter how stupidd!”

Jane: i wuld bt im grnded
Ted: lololololololol for wuttt?

“wuld.” It's an interesting choice to keep the one totally silent letter. And, Ted, “laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud out loud” makes zero sense.

Jane: rprt cd 2day
Ted: dam grrrll!!! tht sux.
Jane: yea flnkd englsh 101 fml

Shocking.

Thou Shalt Sort Of.

4 Jan 2011
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Friendly fire God Holy War Hypocrisy Jesus Love one another Moses Religion commandments love social commentary vegan vegetarian

Thou shalt not kill.

This is from the Holy Bible. It's one of the ten commandments allegedly given to the prophet, Moses, straight from God. It doesn't say:

Thou shalt not kill. Well, unless it's for your country. Oh, or if you're hungry.

God, not being Schizophrenic, kept it simple, as I can only imagine infinite intelligence would.

As clear and succinct as God was; people just weren't getting it. So he sent his son—Jewish carpenter, public speaker extraordinaire, savior—Jesus Christ.

Jesus told many parables and performed countless miracles, wowing crowds across the Middle East. Still, the Shepherd, then as now, and as his father before him, eventually discovered that he was playing to the cheap seats. His impeccable eloquence and master storytelling techniques weren't working. The sheep were confused.

So Jesus prayed. He prayed hard. And then it hit him. How could he have missed something so simple?

He gathered the masses and proclaimed:

Love one another.

That's it. "By this shall men know ye are my disciples: if ye have loved one to another."

Jesus went so far as to call it "The New Commandment." In other words, "Forget about the other ten—this new commandment says it all." He used his gift for brevity to cut the number of commandments down by 90% in one fell swoop.

How we got from "love one another" to "friendly fire"; from "turn the other cheek" to "holy war"; from "love thy neighbor as thyself" to "gay bashing"; and from "thou shalt not kill" to "Veal Parmesan"—is a mystery.

I think Jesus was right on with the whole "love one another" bit, still I'm not Christian. There are myriad others that have said the same thing throughout the ages. Why play favorites?

The word of the year is love. It's simple. It's cliché. It's the answer to every question.

Search Limits.

I was trying to think of a Google query I could make that wouldn't result in porn: "the holy bible king james version"
As funny and ironic as BiblePorn™ is, this exercise is disheartening on a few different levels: a) Level of ease. When I was a kid, I had to actually go outside and FIND porn. Usually in a vacant field. I'm not saying that porn was healthier back then. But at least there was a mild amount of exercise and exploration involved. b) The obvious level. The word "porn" affiliated with the word "Bible" may be considered offensive to millions of people. c) The level that is the point of this article. Where do we draw the line? I understand that parents don't want their kids exposed to porn in general—let alone while researching their 5th Grade English essay. I was visiting family recently and their internet service provider had an option that blocked "inappropriate" sites. In the few days I was there, I noticed it blocked a number of sites that I needed to access that weren't the least bit inappropriate. Yet, had I been writing this article then, I have no doubt I could have looked for porn and been successful. The kids will always find it. They are, for the most part, way smarter than parents—especially when it comes to technology. And the porn industry will always find ways around attempts to thwart them. Instead of scrambling to protect children from pornography—educate them about sexuality. I won't go into the scientific studies done around the subject of the benefits of a healthy sexuality (you can have your own fun Googling that). Could it be that we have it backwards? In America, watching countless TV shows and movies depicting violence and murder is as commonplace as lettuce, yet the sight or mention of something as beautiful and natural as the human body leaves people cringing in protest—burning books. Given the freedom to make choices, children and adults alike become active participants in their lives, rather than subjects. Making choices is how we discover what works for us as individuals. It's how we evolve. It's how we move from someone else's vision of what we are—to who we are. Germany's Autobahn is one of the safest roads in the world—a road without speed limits.

Ice Age 4D.

21 Jan 2010
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blog climate change earth changes environment global warming ice age planetary shift polar bears social commentary

They say one can see the Great Wall of China from space. Maybe. If you're looking through a high-powered telescope. Still, even as humans approach the 7-billion mark, John Q. Alien would be hard-pressed to see any evidence of life while passing our planet in his spacemobile. I recycle, I don't litter, I lost my SUV—hell, I'm a vegetarian. I'm all for beautifying the Earth and replacing outdated technologies with new, cheaper, cleaner, sustainable alternatives—just to make the grass a little greener and the air a little fresher.

I recognize that our planet is experiencing "Climate Change" or "Global Warming." I mean, there was a tornado warning in Los Angeles yesterday—what's that about? Climate change is definitely happening, yet I find it ever so slightly arrogant to claim that humans are causing it. It's called evolution, folks. This planet has experienced at least five Ice Ages before. Did prior civilizations invoke them?—Unlikely. Cavemen? Dinosaurs? The people of Atlantis?—probably not. Just like everything else in this Universe—including the Universe itself—the Earth is expanding and evolving, just as it always has. Of course the polar ice caps are melting—duh!—they've been melting for eons, they are remnants of a Glacial period. Perhaps the Earth is gearing itself up for another substantial shift, and things seem accelerated from our perspective. Regardless, Earth knows what it's doing. It's been at it for billions of years, while Homo Sapiens have been here 0.005% of that time—a blip on the screen—and we act as if we are the end-all/be-all of power. Sure, we're capable of obliterating ourselves, and maybe putting a few scratches in Earth's paint job—but to think that Earth is dependent on us for survival is absurd. Polar bears and seals aren't freaking out about it. They understand that it's the natural order of things to evolve. Of course we, in our arrogance/ignorance, attempt to attach human emotions and fears to creatures incapable of our neuroses. There may be a giant plastic island twice the size of Texas in the Pacific—and it's repulsive that we could let that happen. And I'm not cheering when an oil tanker flies off a bridge, or a Polar Bear's cave melts. I'm simply attempting to see it for what it really is—a matter of respect. Respect for the formidable power of this planet—not our own stupidity and ignorance disguised as power. Respect for the gift and miracle that it is to be here at all.

One Dream. So Little Time.

18 Jan 2010
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Barack Obama Change Dream Martin Luther King Racism social commentary

1963 was before my time, and I had only heard excerpts over the years, so today I decided to watch Martin Luther King, Jr.'s famed "I Have A Dream" speech in its entirety. One very obvious and notable aspect to this particular Martin Luther King Day is President Barack Obama. During the decade that this speech was given, it would have been considered blasphemous by many to even suggest the possibility of a black president. Yet here we stand in that reality a mere 50 years later.

Any black American will attest that racism still exists, but considering that it took eons just for humans to figure out how to stand up, it's amazing we can make any notable social evolution in 50 years. It is the dichotomy of the Human Condition to want change, yet fear change more than anything. And, in a universe where expansion is the name of the game, we have no choice but to suffer the subsequent growing pains and get dragged to the next level—then act like it was our idea in the first place. In this world of instant gratification, it feels overwhelming to consider how far we have yet to go. However, today we can take a moment to stand back and appreciate how far we have come. And take comfort in knowing that someone had a dream—and that it is coming true right before our very eyes.

The Evolution of Intelligent Design.

18 Jan 2010
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Earthquake Evolution God Haiti Intelligent Design Not-God social commentary

The other day I saw a Facebook post saying something to the effect of "If there is a God, why would he do this to these poor people?" (referring to the earthquake in Haiti.) Certainly not a bad question. I mean, really—who does that? Is God some schizophrenic mother, coddling her child for years only to suddenly toss them into traffic? For the sake of argument, let's say that there is a supreme being—one who gave us life and created us in their image. It would then stand to reason that this entity, being supreme and all, would reside elsewhere in a supreme location or dimension of some sort. One could surmise that even the most lush Earthly Eden would pale in comparison to this supreme galactic real estate. Despite being located in the paradise-esque Caribbean Islands, Haiti has the highest poverty rate in the Western Hemisphere. The majority of Haitians live a life inconceivable to anyone fortunate enough to be sitting in front of a computer, stumbling upon entries about God on some random blog. Nonetheless, in our scenario here, all inhabitants of Earth are beloved offspring of this supreme being, so it would compute that, upon termination of their visit to Earth, they would go back to this supreme residence. The conceit is that only in a scenario without a God would death be a punishment—in which case there is no one to do the punishing to begin with. And where death and earthquakes are simply the natural order of an intelligent and ever-changing universe.

The Devil Schools Pat Robertson.

16 Jan 2010
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Beelzebub Devil Earthquake Haiti Pat Robertson Satan social commentary

For those of you who unfamiliar with the popular Christian televangelist's latest drama, he recently stated that the earthquake in Haiti was the result of a "pact to the devil," made sometime in the not-so-distant past.

The famed mythological figure, Satan, himself, commented via the Minneapolis Star-Tribune on Thursday:

Dear Pat Robertson, I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth—glamor, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox—that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it—I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings—just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan

Nice work, Satan. Proving, yet again, that even a non-existent, fictitious being is smarter than the average religious icon.

Having a bad day?

14 Jan 2010
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Donate Earthquake Haiti blog social commentary

Did your house fall on you? No.

So shut up and text YELE to 501501 to instantly donate $5 for Haitian relief (courtesy Wyclef Jean), or text HAITI to 90999 and $10 will be donated to the Red Cross. Charges will be applied to your next phone bill.

Mohammed vs. Jesus.

18 Dec 2009
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God Jesus Mohammed Religion social commentary

Apparently, before I got to it, this domain was occupied by some sort of religious organization. I'm supposing that it had something to do with the "word of God" being the "one word". Anyway, someone emailed someone at oneword about how she "loved the sermon" and really enjoyed the "Mohammed vs. Jesus" study. I said "sorry, whomever you're trying to reach is no longer at this address, as far as Jesus and Mohammed goes—I'm sure they're best friends." In fact, Islam is all about Jesus. Their story involves a live ascension to heaven and no painful crucifixion—which I'm sure he appreciates. I just find it interesting how religions pit themselves against one another constantly (and have been for ages) all of which are preaching Peace On Earth and Unconditional Love, all the while fanning flames of war and hatred based on all manner of conditions. Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus, and Buddha, and Mohammed, and Allah, and God in general. But—and I'm sure She would back me up on this one—FUCK religion.